Brave Conversations: A Practical Approach to Resolving Conflict with Care
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." — Maya Angelou
The Conversation That Changed Everything
I was sitting with Anne, a newly promoted team lead in her first management role. At just 27, she'd been recognized for her technical skills, but now faced the challenge of leading former peers. "There's tension in my team," she admitted, nervously tapping her laptop, "but whenever I try to address issues, I either clam up completely or end up sounding like I'm lecturing them. I can't seem to find the right approach."
Have you been there? Caught in that uncomfortable space between saying nothing and saying too much?
Most of us have mastered one of two approaches to conflict:
1) complete avoidance or
2) bulldozer-style confrontation.
We're either silent simmerers or verbal steamrollers. Rarely do we navigate the thoughtful middle path—the one where real connection happens.
Why We're Getting Worse at Difficult Conversations
I've watched this pattern repeat itself across meeting rooms and dinner tables alike. Our collective ability to have meaningful, transformative conversations during conflict seems to be disappearing. Why?
The Digital Disconnect Remember when disagreements happened face-to-face, where you could see the subtle shift in someone's expression? Now we fire off texts and emails, missing crucial nonverbal cues that help us navigate emotional waters.
"I'll just send a WhatsApp" has become our collective shield against discomfort.
The Shrinking Pause In a world of instant notifications and split-second decisions, we've lost the transformative power of the pause—that precious moment between trigger and response where wisdom lives.
The Childhood Gap I was watching at a playground recently when two children disagreed over a toy. Before they could work through their conflict, well-meaning parents swooped in with a solution. Another missed opportunity for developing these crucial skills.
The Six Steps to Brave Conversations
By coaching young professionals through their most challenging workplace conversations, I've developed an approach that blends proven conflict resolution techniques with mindful communication practices from Oren Jay Sofer's "Say What You Mean" and other transformative resources.
This isn't just another communication formula—it's a practice, a journey, a completely different way of showing up in your most difficult moments.
1. PREPARE: The Inner Work Before Words
The conversation begins long before you open your mouth. This critical first step is often entirely skipped.
Before addressing any conflict, pause and ask yourself:
"What am I feeling in my body right now?"
"What's my true intention for this conversation?"
"Can I approach this with curiosity instead of judgment?"
Real Coaching Moment: When working with Priya, a 29-year-old team lead who was struggling with team conflicts, I asked, "What if you took five minutes before your next team meeting to check in with yourself first? What might shift if you knew your own emotional landscape before trying to navigate your team's dynamics?"
2. LISTEN: The Art of Hearing Hearts, Not Just Words
Mindful listening is radical—it's choosing to be changed by what you hear.
This means:
Listening without planning your response
Noticing when you're triggered and taking that precious pause
Creating space for the full expression of another perspective
Coaching Question: "What happens in your body when someone disagrees with you? Can you stay curious even when every instinct tells you to defend or withdraw?"
3. IDENTIFY: Separating Facts from Stories
Most conflicts live in the gap between what actually happened and the story we tell ourselves about what happened.
In this phase:
Distinguish observable facts from interpretations
Identify the underlying needs driving the conflict
Recognize the assumptions fueling your reactions
Leadership Insight: When coaching two junior project coordinators through team tension, I asked, "What if we separated what actually happened from what you believe it meant about you? What becomes possible then?"
4. STRATEGIZE: From Positions to Possibilities
When we're stuck in conflict, we're often defending positions instead of exploring needs.
This stage involves:
Shifting from what you want to why you want it
Framing requests that invite collaboration rather than compliance
Creating solutions that honor multiple perspectives
Powerful Question: "If both your needs mattered equally, what solution might emerge?"
5. ENGAGE: Compassionate Communication in Action
This is where thoughtful preparation meets courageous action.
When engaging:
Use "I" statements that own your experience
Name observations without judgment
Make clear requests rather than demands
Stay connected to your intention when tensions rise
Coach's Reflection: "Communication isn't about perfection—it's about connection. Your willingness to stay engaged even when it gets messy is what builds trust."
6. REFLECT: The Practice Continues
Every conversation, especially difficult ones, offers rich learning.
After the conversation:
What worked? What didn't?
What triggered you, and what did that reveal?
How might you approach a similar situation differently next time?
Growth Prompt: "If you viewed this conversation not as a success or failure, but as information—what would it tell you about your growth edge?"
This Approach in Action: A New Leader's Story
Let me share how this approach transformed one young leader's experience.
Alex, a 25-year-old team supervisor who had been promoted just three months earlier, was struggling with a challenging situation. A teammate who had once been a close work friend was consistently missing deadlines. Rather than jumping straight to solutions, we explored Alex's internal landscape first:
1. Prepare: I asked, "Before we talk about what to say, what happens in your body when you think about having this conversation with your former friend?"
Alex realized he was approaching the conversation from a place of conflicting emotions—awkwardness about the shifted power dynamic, worry about damaging the friendship, and frustration about the team's missed deadlines. This awareness helped him reconnect with his core intention: supporting his friend while helping the whole team succeed.
2. Listen: Rather than rehearsing a "boss speech," we practiced creating space for genuine conversation.
"What if your first goal wasn't to solve the problem, but to understand what's really going on for them? How might that change your approach?"
3. Identify: Through reflection, Alex recognized he was making assumptions about why his friend was missing deadlines.
"What's the difference between thinking 'Riley is slacking off now that I'm the boss' and simply noting 'The last three assignments were submitted after deadline'?"
4. Strategize: Instead of planning how to "fix" his teammate, Alex focused on creating a conversation that honored their relationship while addressing the team's needs.
"How might you approach this so both your responsibility to the team and your friendship with Riley are respected?"
5. Engage: When the actual conversation happened, Alex began with curiosity, not criticism.
"I've noticed the last few deadlines have been missed, and I'm wondering if there's something going on that would help me understand the situation better?"
6. Reflect: After the conversation, Alex was surprised by what he discovered.
"It turns out Riley has been struggling with the new project management software and was too embarrassed to tell me. If I'd gone in with my assumptions about attitude problems, we would have never gotten to the real issue."
Reflection Questions for Your Leadership Growth
1. What difficult conversation have you been avoiding with a teammate or colleague, and what might change if you approached it with genuine curiosity?
2. Think about the last time you felt triggered in a work discussion. What happened in that space between feeling triggered and your response?
3. How did the adults in your life handle disagreements when you were growing up? How might those early examples be influencing your approach to workplace conflicts now?
Recommended Reading
Say What You Mean by Oren Jay Sofer transforms how we think about communication, teaching us that the way we speak and listen can either create connection or perpetuate separation. Sofer's blend of mindfulness practices with Nonviolent Communication principles provides a powerful foundation for authenticity and genuine understanding.
Radical Candor by Kim Scott offers a complementary perspective, showing how combining direct feedback with genuine care creates spaces where truth can be spoken without destroying trust. Together, these resources provide a complete toolkit for navigating even the most challenging conversations.
Warmly, Viviane
Communication isn't something you master overnight; it's a skill you develop with practice.
If you're in your first few years of leadership and wondering how these conversation techniques might help you navigate your team challenges, I'd love to connect for a no-pressure chat. The difficult conversations you're facing today could become your most valuable leadership lessons.