A little confidence booster for working parents.
And 2 questions to reflect on :)
Dear all,
This week I was chatting to a leadership-coach-mom-of-3-expat-friend in Germany. And even though our parental leaves happened several years ago there is one memory that is still very present for both of us: the lack of self-confidence when returning to work after staying at home and taking care of (a) little human being(s).
“There are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.”
When parents return to their workplaces after their parental leaves, I see a lot of them, especially Moms (yep, it’s still mostly them), struggling with self-confidence and self-esteem.
When I listen to them in my coachings , I hear things like the following:
“The skills and capabilities I acquired from staying at home with my little ones (or taking care of my elderly parents) are not cherished in my workplace.”
“No one wants to know anything about my time at home and what transition I went through. The only personal development that counts, is the one we go through in the workplace.”
“My parental leave was a clear dip in my corporate career. And the only chance to catch up on the career ladder, is coming back full time. Which I don’t want. At least not now.”
“I’m not sure whether I still fit into this system. My priorities have changed.”
“I am not being given the leadership position I had. On my grade level they don’t believe in part-time leadership.”
“We don’t lose our brains during parental leave. Even though some people try to tell you differently ;)”
All of the above nurtures the feeling of suddenly not being “good enough” anymore for the workplace. And this leads to many parents thinking: “Just wait and see. I will prove you wrong. I am still capable of all of this!”
I think you already have a notion of how this “I will prove you wrong!” shows up in their daily lives. And maybe you know it even from yourself:
Saying YES to every additional task instead of setting boundaries.
Saying NO but feeling like a failure afterwards.
Working 100% instead of the agreed 60%.
Arriving at daycare in the afternoons last minute – completely stressed out.
Taking calls on the playground.
Volunteering for every single baking opportunity there is.
Driving kids to all sorts of extra-curricular activities, so no one misses out on anything.
…
I’ll stop here because this list could go on and on and on.
“Let’s take a little pause.
What, if YOU are good enough just the way you are?”
Becoming a mother was a huge transition for me. It affected my whole self: my mind, heart, and body. I was not prepared because I had been shaped very differently in my corporate career. And I have to admit I loved taking the lead and delivering results.
And even though I always wanted to be a Mom, getting there almost felt like a project I was spear heading. With milestones and deadlines.
But… once I had my first child an emotional tsunami hit me. And deep down I knew that my definition of career and success had changed fundamentally. This does not mean that I was less ambitious - but I also wanted to have some time and energy to take care of my family as well. My values became really clear. But I ignored that. I returned to the workplace and just kept adding more balls to the game. In retrospective I think that I was numbing myself. To avoid answering some bigger questions that were trying to emerge from within.
What I didn’t know then, but do know now: I should have stopped. And take an intentional pause to reflect with raw honesty on these two questions:
Who do I really want to become - at work and at home?
What is my definition of career and success at this stage of my life and am I living into that? If not, what is holding me back to live into that?
The good news: it’s never too late to ask these question!
May I suggest one thing:
Pick a time when you have 10 Minutes for yourself.
Turn on some music that really speaks to your heart.
Take a piece of paper and a pen.
Have those two questions in front of you.
Set the timer for 10 minutes
And just start writing, see what comes to your mind, don’t overthink, it doesn’t have to make sense, just see what comes up.
When those 10 minutes are over take a highlighter.
Read through what you’ve written and simply highlight whatever stands out to you.
What is emerging? What surprises you? What patterns do you see?
You might not have the answer you were looking for. You might not have any answer. Be kind to yourself. This is not an easy process. But you’ve started something.
Be proud of yourself. No matter what.
Warmly, Viviane
Are you ready to be an authentic and fulfilled leader at work and a connected parent at home? Do you have questions how to make that happen? Do you want to know where your real challenges are? Book yourself a free discovery call with me here. I’m looking forward to meeting you - wherever you are!
